Mental Self Check

I don’t know anyone who enjoys psychological pain. It differs from physical pain because you can’t push it away. It’s there like an open wound that refuses to close.

I recently experienced a deep heartbreak. A truth in my life that I had always assumed would be there was like a north star but was shattered in a moment. The foundation underneath me was ripped away. It cut me like a blade.

I was angry, confused, and unsure how to move forward.

For most of my life, I ran from the pain. I would numb it with addictions and food. But this time I decided to sit with it and not push it away. To feel it in all its agony.

I felt like a speared frog, thrashing its legs, trying in vain to get away.

But in that pain, I found a deep truth, hidden underneath. As if the price for that truth must be paid with a ticket transmuted from my agony.

I don’t have to check with family or friends to reach for something that I’ve always wanted. I can go for my goals without the blessing of those I thought knew best.

In discovering this truth, something tectonic happened. I freed an immense amount of mental energy. I was no longer caught between what I desired and what I thought everyone else wanted for me.

This freedom emancipated me from self-doubt and the constant drive to beat the hell out of myself.

Because my life is my life.

I am healthy enough now to make my own decisions without needing to check if they are logical and sound. I no longer need a gatekeeper stopping me from ruining my life.

My conclusion is that truth and understanding usually are not free. There is often a price that must be paid before admission is given.

I don’t understand why there is a price. Why must something so groundbreaking be paid for with an equal and opposite level of suffering?

Maybe because that is the only way to see the truth, since it has been there all along. Like putting on a pair of glasses to finally see the truth that was there all along.

I don’t think pain is necessary for progress. If I were wise enough, I could learn these lessons without the pain. I could simply learn from the greats and apply their truths.

But I am stubborn, and I don’t see that happening anytime soon.

Have you experienced something similar? What is your story? I’d love to hear it below.

Take care, and I’ll see y’all Thursday.