When I first began to treat my bipolar disorder at 16, I started seeing a psychiatrist in Little Rock, Arkansas. We tried a lot of medications before finding one that helped me have something akin to stability.
Throughout this process, he once commented that my fall was a lot like a knight getting kicked from his horse. But for me, I never got back onto it. That explanation stuck with me.
Today, at age 40, I’ve gotten back onto the horse.
It took decades and a lot of pain, but I did it. I’m no expert at riding my horse, it is too new. But the shock of being knocked down over and over is beginning to fade.
I understand that the past is just the past. It may sting sometimes, but it is over. I can lay it down and not feel ashamed of what I had become. I see clearly that the past Drew was doing what he could to get through that hell.
I have also asked God to come back into my life. Not because he will solve my problems, but because I am aware I am starving for that relationship.
I had become so bitter and angry that I believed God caused all my pain. When in fact he had been there all along. Waiting for me to calm down so I could sense him again.
I don’t know what the future holds for me. I hope I find success. Both in my personal life and professional.
This weight had beaten me down for so long I had forgotten what it felt like not to be drowning. To be honest, it’s scary to have finally reached the surface.
I don’t know what to do with myself. With my time. With my energy. With the drive to do something with myself other than survive.
Part of me wonders if I should publish this post. It feels so vulnerable and raw. Like it is writing that should be thrown into a hole and covered up.
But then I hope that maybe it could help someone that is low. That maybe, once upon a time, it could have helped me.
To whoever is reading this, I hope it finds you well. I hope you aren’t in such a place of pain that you need to read this.
But if you are, I want you to know things can get better. Maybe not quickly, maybe not painlessly, but things can get better.
Ask for help. Don’t keep your pain to yourself.
That is where it festers and grows until it has taken over. Don’t let it get to that point. Tell a friend. Tell a parent. Tell someone that cares.
This darkness that seems to cover everything at times is not all powerful. It is merely the absence of light. It only takes a little light to keep it back. Just a spark.
Protect that spark. That is something that not even the darkness can take.
Take care and take care of yourself. You are not alone. You are never alone.
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