Mental Self Check

I love The Lord of the Rings. The books are good, but truthfully, I am more a fan of the movies.

There is a particular scene from The Two Towers that struck a chord with me. Sam is asking Frodo about the One Ring. He tells Frodo he isn’t sleeping and that he barely eats. Frodo gets defensive, exclaiming to Sam:

“It’s my task, mine, my own!”

The burden of the Ring is such a good metaphor for so many different psychological burdens. For me, it represents my mental illness. But it can also represent addiction, grief, or depression.

The Burden of Carrying It Alone

The Ring represents suffering in another way. In the movies, it is always deceiving Frodo, Bilbo, and Gollum. The thing that is killing them is what they desire the most.

It also tricks these characters into thinking they must carry the burden alone. That it is their duty not to bother others with it. As if it is radioactive and the only way to protect others is by using a lead curtain of silence to not infect others with their pain.

I have believed this. I tried being stoic about my mental illness, not even telling mental health professionals about my burden.

But after many years of carrying it alone, I have learned something.

My Responsibility Doesn’t Mean My Isolation

In a way, it’s true: no one can bear the weight for me. I must do the work of getting healthy, staying sober, and putting one foot in front of the other.

I was wrong to believe I had to do it alone and that my pain would infect others.

It may affect them, but if they are truly in my corner, they will be like Sam. Caring, loyal, compassionate, and willing to scale the very slopes of Mount Doom with me.

It’s awful to carry a burden you do not know how to set down. Or one that you cannot even name. This was true of me for most of my adult life.

I looked at the pain as a test of strength and grit. I thought that if I could just be tough enough or strong enough, it wouldn’t affect me.

Letting the Sams in My Life Help

But the truth is that no person is an island. I need support from people who love and care about me.

The right people can handle my burden, my pain. It would hurt them more if I kept it inside, tearing me up like a buzzsaw.

The One Ring is something no person should bear alone. The longer I tried to go it alone, the heavier the burden became.

I had to learn to let others in. I had to become vulnerable and let my defenses down so that I could finally receive help.

And it’s scary to do that. It’s the last thing I wanted.

But once I started letting the Sams in my life help carry me up Mount Doom, I began to understand I wasn’t weak.

I was just carrying a terrible burden.